Put your dreams away for now/ I won’t see you for some time/ I am lost in my mind/ I get lost in my mind/ Mama once told me/ You’re already home where you feel loved/ I am lost in my mind/ I get lost in my mind (The Head and The Heart- Lost in My Mind)
Last night was the first time I cried for my sister, the one who is strong, loving, kind, amazing, and awesome. We were talking on the phone, she was unable to sleep. It was hard. It was the first time that it became real how far away she is living. I want to get on a plane so badly and fly to Williamsburg and never let her go. She misses home a lot and she has been having a bad week. Problems with her fridge and with work. She is stressed. I can hear it in her voice. Moments of panic, doubt, and “did I make the right choice” clustered together in her frustrations. Even though, she is my older sister. I want to explain to her, so badly, the ethics of having a soul. I want to hear her thoughts, ideas, and passions. I want to give her what I cannot give myself. I want to hear her stories, record them in my mind. To play back in the forms of quotes and hear the words of a young chef. I want to whisper with her in the night plans for the future and mutter, maybe even curse about the past.
I want to hug her and have her push me away. I want to physically hold her before she is physically pulled away from me in order to remind me of what I lose every time she leaves. It’s been six months since I last saw her. Actually it’s been three days. She was on Skype. In person, it has been six months. Sometimes, I want to scream “that I can’t do this anymore”. I want to hear her call out “Baby Bear” for the room next door when she is looking for me. I want her to use up all the hot water in the shower. I need her. I need her half-smile that she gives, her know it all attitude, and the fighting over books. Most importantly I need her home, safe and sound.
Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart, and the fall through the air was of the true, wise true friend called Piggy (Lord of the Flies, William Golding)